I don't like Salzburg. There, I said it. While Europhiles gasp in horror and hold out their Mozart concertos as a talisman against the philistine, let me explain.

The Austrians love to celebrate the fact that in 1756 in a nondescript yellow house at 9 Getreidegasse the city gave birth to a legend; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Now, the mere fact that Salzburg's medieval air was the first to enter his lungs hardly destined him for greatness, now did it? Perhaps we should apply that theory a little further…

Unsurprisingly, they're not quite as vocal about another famous Austrian born not far away in the village of Braunau. That would be one Adolf Hitler, of course. Luckily he crossed the river Inn and headed over to Germany not long after, so the Austrians could blame his evil deeds on their northern neighbours.

But as they say, don't mention the war, so on we bussed into Salzburg; a city said to be impossibly beautiful where the hills, almost literally, are alive with the sound of music.

To my mind though, the hills are alive with the sound of tourist chatter and ringing tills.

As we were not-so-subtly informed on our way into town: Salzburg is a city where tourists arrive with Julie Andrews in their eyes and Euros in their pockets to provide the locals with a steady flow of tourist sheep to fleece, thank you very much. Please continue to do the same.

The city has no soul, that's all there is to it. Fine baroque architecture, yes. A looming castle perched on the hill with its shoulders hunched against the weather, tick. Soaring Alps as the backdrop, absolutely. But local culture to soak up? Not a chance.

In my short time there I found no stream of local life to push out into, no eddy of the everyday to relax in for awhile. The fine folk who voted it a World Heritage Site would likely disagree with me, but I'm sure if you magically removed the tourists from the streets of Salzburg the tumbleweeds would appear within minutes.

Perhaps it's different when the roof of the 17th century Salzburg Cathedral is decked with snow and twinkly lights line the bars where the smell of gluhwein drifts out across the cobbled squares. But even then I'm willing bet it all comes as part of a package.

"Right then, here's your pre-paid drink. You have precisely 18 minutes to visit the gift shop and soak up this authentic Salzburg experience before the bus leaves for the animatronic Mozart show."

OK, so they don't really have a robotic Mozart, but they might as well build one. While they're at it, how about a few mechanised Salzburgians so that poor defenceless Austrians don't have to be subjected to wandering hordes of American pensioners following the waving umbrella/flower/flag at the front of their herd.

Mozart aside, Salzburg is perhaps most famous as the home of the Von Trapps, the family that gave us the most pervasive musical of all time. But it's not just the hills around Salzburg that are alive with the sound of music. The gift shops, tour guides and restaurants are all cashing in.

Tourists on buses and guides on the take
Cheap Chinese tat from a shop on a lake
A naff souvenir all tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Even God is getting in on the act. While the extravagant Mondsee Basilica is stunning in its own right, all it's famous for nowadays is as the setting for the wedding scene in the Hollywood movie.

But hang on, that's not where the wedding really took place, I hear you say?

Nope… in Salzburg, as with Hollywood, appearances come first and the wedding scene was moved to Mondsee because the real basilica (at Nonnberg Abbey) was too small to film in. Authenticity be damned, if the punters want it we'll provide it. And if we have extra boxes of Mozart chocolate and fake violin-shaped letter-openers on offer we'll convince them they want those too.

No, I've had my fill of this Austrian town. So long Salzburg, and thanks for all the kitsch.

» Originally published in The Weekender Travel & Food Journal; 6 December 2008

---

Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites